


if the world was ending

by blueomi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Eremin - Freeform, Hurt No Comfort, I Am Sorry, I love them though, Letter, M/M, Manga Spoilers??, Pain, Post-Time Skip, i wish they could be happy, love letter, not really - Freeform, this hurt me really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:36:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29731227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueomi/pseuds/blueomi
Summary: Every single word Eren wishes he could say to Armin's face, he instead writes into a letter. Underneath his bitterness, Eren was always a scared little boy, wasn't he?
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	if the world was ending

**Author's Note:**

> btw-- none of this is canon!! this is just.. merely how i imagine 19 yr old eren to think towards armin. i am aware he does not write so elegantly, but.. whatever. (:

To my dearest Armin,

I am embarrassedly aware of the fact that although I seem to exude nothing but bravery when I risk my life for our nation, I cower at the thought of sharing my feelings face to face with you. This is why I have settled for forming my thoughts into such a letter, as you may have guessed by now.

Ever since we were born, I am sure that the both of us immediately knew the truth of the universe we were brought into. We live for survival. Not for joy, or for compassion, or for love. We exist merely to escape the cruel fate that looms in front of us.

It began when we were young, when we signed away our lives to become scouts who shrunk at the face of a titan, constantly wishing to fight, but always having to turn away upon realizing the severity of our situations.

That same fear has followed us into adulthood, Armin. The same cruel truth that we are only surviving to escape the clutches of an opposing force, rather than living to intertwine our own souls.

This is the reason I hurt you in the ways that I do. That is why I say things to you that I don’t mean, why I insult the things we’ve both yearned for our entire lives. I wish you could understand it in the way that I do, Armin. I wish I could show you the things that you truly mean to me without having to pretend as if I don’t mean them.

I wish I could love you in the ways my heart desires, just as I used to when we were both boys with that familiar hope shining in our eyes.

There is a thought that often plagues me deep into the night, as I am losing sleep over the thought of everything I wish we could be.

Sometimes I like to ponder just what we would be like if we lived in a different world, some alternate universe, some utopia where we did not have to live for survival, but where we could live for each other.

I wonder what it would be like in such a place- where instead of fathoming strategies to destroy nations, I could be able to learn trivial things about you- like whether you prefer the day or night, or your favorite season of year, or the scent of your favorite flower.

I imagine what it would be like to again see a smile paint your face, to watch your eyes fill with tears of joy rather than devastation. To watch you be happy, just as you were when we were boys who had no idea just what growing up had in store for us.

I wish the end of our lives was not marked by a ticking bomb of desolation, but rather a peaceful moment in which we could bask in one another’s presences for a final time as we carried over into another realm.

I imagine how it would feel to be able to truly keep every promise I have ever made to you, and to truly mean it when I assure you that it is you and me versus the world.

Because I know you feel it too, Armin. It is no longer you and I opposing every evil force- it is now you rivaling the evil force that has overcome me.

I picture what it would be like for you to yearn to always be at my side- not for obligatory measures taken by our superiors, but that from the innate bottom of your own heart, you wish to love me just as much as I love you.

Most of all, Armin, I wish we had choices. This cruel reality we have been thrust into has offered us no choices of our own, aside from the obvious one of deciding whether or not we wish to live or die.

I wish I had options. Because I know that if I did, I would compile every single one of them into my deepest desire of running away with your hand clutched in mine. I wish we had places to go, Armin. Anywhere but here. I could be happy with you by my side if it just meant we could start over.

I wish we were not forced into things we would never wish to do. I wish we could decide whether or not we wanted to wreak havoc on entire cities, or choose whether we constantly lived in fear.

I wish I could hold you in my arms for entirely opposite reasons than the fear that you are going to die in them.

I wish I could love you, Armin.

I am getting old. This is a fact of my life that we both have grown accustomed to. I know there is no way to alter my future, which is why I continue to be so hesitant in getting close to you.

If I allow myself to fall in love with you, you will be left with an aching heart and a relentless death date approaching you. I don’t wish to put you in any more pain than I already have, Armin.

It hurts me enough that I have to say things I do not mean, but I know that there is no other way I can save you besides pushing you away from me and the horrible choices my fate prompts me to make.

I hope you understand, Armin. You are the only one I wish I could explain everything to- but I simply cannot. I hope the same trust we held in one another as boys has carried over all of these years so that you will realize the truth in my words.

I am unsure if such a thing as parallel dimensions exist, Armin. However it does bring me some form of solace to envision us, happy together. A world where the knowledge in that beautiful brain of yours can be put to better use. A world where I can hear that joyful laugh of yours every day.

A world where I can wake up next to you- and not because we are sleeping in close quartered bunks, but because I love you, and you love me. A world where the sparkle in your eyes does not dim until your heart stops beating. A world where you can be happy.

All of my greatest wishes lead back to you, Armin. If I could make you happy for every single day of your life, and transport you out of this living hell, I would choose that route every time no matter the repercussions. 

I love you, Armin Arlert. 

I’m sorry if the hurtful words I spat in your face made you think otherwise for ages. I’m sorry if you were unaware of the feelings I harbored for you ever since we were children. I’m sorry for hurting you.

I still remember when we were young, and you found complete and utter joy in that contraband book describing the ocean. Ever since the moment I saw your eyes light up with such an unfathomably bright sparkle, I promise myself that I would do whatever it took to see that blinding sight just one more time.

I’ve failed you, Armin. I was never able to see your eyes light up once more- instead, I was the very reason they began to dim.

For all of the times I have said in this letter that my greatest regret was not loving you, I must admit that is not the truth. My greatest regret, through all of my miserable years of living, was letting the light in your eyes fade.

And for that, I am sorry, Armin. If alternate realities truly do exist, I hope the unnumbered hours I have spent imagining ours counts towards some sort of truth. I love you, Armin Arlert. Forever.

However, I know. I know I am entirely too selfish to receive the same affection back. I am not searching for reciprocation, Armin. If there is one time in my life I have ever been completely honest with you, it is painted in the words of this letter.

I merely wish to get this off of my chest, before I pass.

We are polar opposites, Armin. This I know. This fact has devastated me for quite some time, honestly. I know it is often said that “opposites attract,” but I know that someone as drastically different from you has no chance whatsoever.

My form of revenge is leveling cities, putting people through the same pain I was subjected to. You, instead, wish to negotiate with the enemy and show them the truth. It is hard to believe that you ever really put up with me.

Even being aware of that, I once believed you were destined to be mine, Armin. But I must truthfully report that I no longer believe in destiny- aside from the one that marches me towards my own death.

You are destined to learn, to teach, to heal nations. I have no indefinitely positive fate.

I know growing up, you often felt that I surpassed you in so many ways. But I hope you realize that has all fallen away by now. Every aspect of your soul is endlessly more valuable than mine.

Despite this fact, I hope you know that I truly will love you forever, with every single piece of my essence. You deserve to be happy, Armin, and I am sorry that this cruel world you were born into only offered you the opposite. I hope that in some life, some world, some universe- some _where_ , you are able to feel such an emotion. Thank you for remaining always by my side, even though all I ever did was push you away.

With my infinite love,  
Eren Jaeger.


End file.
